


Point Man of the Year

by slashmania



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: Arthur just thinks its a ruse for someone to kill him, Happy April Fools Day, M/M, dreamshare "Point Man of the Year" awards, he also quotes Sally Field's acceptence speech, let's breathe and focus on the humor of Arthur's Point Man Award, the real quote and not the misquote though both would be apt, there is one meniton of a child molester mark, they don't appear within the body of the story, this must be crack but is it taken seriously?, you have been given the little warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 17:33:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18320009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slashmania/pseuds/slashmania
Summary: "- you have been chosen to receive the Point Man of the Year award. You and your runner up will be invited to receive your awards before your peers-""Someone wants to murder me. They'll draw me in with this phony award, cast some poor sap as the runner up to make it look more official, and then Arthur last name redacted will be taken out with some hokey award, some raining confetti, and more glitter. And lots of bullets."





	Point Man of the Year

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! I've always wanted to write an April Fools fic, but I've either lacked the time or the right idea. While I don't consider this strictly an April Fools sort of plot, I enjoy the crackiness of the idea, and how the secondary characters just accept the weirdness of the award while Arthur tries to figure out what's up! So I shifted my plans around and decided to write this quickly. It took a couple hours but I had so much fun!! My favorite parts (aside from Arthur constantly thinking the award is a trick to kill him) have to be Yusuf being upset that there isn't a Chemist of the Year award, Arthur's acceptance speech, and everything to do with Eames. Yes, everything. 
> 
> *There is an additional tag that warns about a mark heavily implied to be a child molester- consider this a second warning if you didn't spot the tag above- its really brief, the character doesn't act in this story, so we should all be able to work through it and laugh at Arthur's 'my god an award show? no, its totally a trick to just knock me off!' antics. Okay?*
> 
> I know there are weird errors, but I'll fix them all a little bit later. Now I just want to post this before I run out of time with my other assignments.
> 
> I do not own Sally Field's acceptance speech, but I love both the real one and the misquoted one. I also don't own "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito, the song that inspired me to try this idea out in the first place!

The day Arthur received a letter informing him of his winning the "Point Man of the Year" award, he didn't take it seriously.

The only thing he took seriously was the the amount of _glitter_ some person decided to stuff the envelope with. Arthur was in the middle of cleaning it off his clothes when Eames finally noted Arthur's absence after their post-lunch shag.

"You wouldn't have had nearly as much trouble with that glitter if you did what I suggested when you left the bed to check the mail."

Arthur was patiently using a lint roller to remove the glitter from the sweats he pulled on before leaving the bedroom.

"I'm not a savage. I don't scare the life out my poor elderly neighbor when I check to see if the mail is in."

Eames had plucked the still glitter specked letter from the table where Arthur left it. 

"She might like it if a nice fit man like you checks the mail in the nude. From what the old gal can see through the shrubs you've got as a privacy screen."

"He once told me off for going for a run without a shirt," Arthur answered. "Said I was being indecent and distracting his home health nurse."

Eames thought this over. "Does he still have a home health nurse?"

Arthur looked at his careful work with the lint brush. "Don't know anymore, but I think he's had a couple since then. Girl named Judy bought me flowers once. Guy named Jackson gave me a cookie."

"And your coworker Eames is better than them both."

"I wouldn't know how two people who work in nursing would measure up next to a dangerous dream criminal."

" _Your_ dangerous dream criminal, love," Eames reminded him. "Arthur, last name redacted," Eames read from the letter, smiling and knowing what Arthur was going to say in response to that.

"They already must know my last name if they sent this thing through the mail. They know _one_ of my last names. They're just being ridiculous!"

"After performing a vote with all dreamsharers-"

"Which is probably rife with inaccuracies, Eames. Like how did they get their information? How do we know if these _voters_ weren't paid  to select someone for a ridiculous award? My winning _anything_ based on the opinion of my fellow dreamsharers is even more suspect."

"- you have been chosen to receive the _Point Man of the Year_ award. You and your runner up will be invited to receive your awards before your peers-"

"Someone wants to murder me. They'll draw me in with this phony award, cast some poor sap as the runner up to make it look more official, and then Arthur _last name redacted_ will be taken out with some hokey award, some raining confetti, and more glitter. And lots of bullets."

Eames continued to read, gleeful. "On the enclosed card please indicate your plus one, and whether you prefer the chicken or fish for the complimentary dinner served before the award show."

"It'll be poisoned."

"Oh, please let me be your plus one! You know I look great in a tux."

"Where does it say formal wear? Oh, if its an award show I guess formal wear is better if they want to keep up the illusion and draw me in...they'd also be able to make half a dozen jokes about me being buried in my best suit." Arthur shook his head. "I have suits tailor made that are better than a fucking tux."

"I'm sure you could wear whatever you like best, Arthur. You'll kill it an any suit- but you know that one I like? The dove gray with those cufflinks?"

"The one's you gave me."

"Yes, yes, but the suit is the one you wore when you had to go and be perfectly professional."

"I'm always perfectly professional. That day I had to deal with that really unpleasant mark, the one with the creepy child projections who wouldn't stop commenting about my _boyish face_? I wore that suit during that job because its my favorite."

"I remember, darling. After that job was over you spent an afternoon looking at Grumpy Cat memes, and after you finished the memes you wanted a hug."

Eames hugged him then, and he was hugging him now. It was nice.

"If I go," Arthur said, "I'll wear that suit because it's an excellent suit despite how creeped out that mark made me feel. I'm going to wear those cufflinks you got me. And you can wear whatever you want. I'll need you to watch my back if things go bad."

"If and not when? Are you being optimistic, Arthur?"

"Still not sure if I would go to something that looks like a trap...but if I did go I really would wear that suit you like. And you're always the best person to have in a dangerous situation. Fuck, _when_ we go I can trust you to keep an eye out for the knife that could stab me in the back. Or the bomb that would turn me into point-man-bits."

Eames reached for the RSVP and checked the box for Arthur's plus one because Arthur was agreeing to go even if he was thinking of all the ways he could meet his end during the event.

"Chicken or fish, darling?"

"Fish. Even if its probably poisoned." Eames nodded and made the notation. 

* * *

"Did you hear about _Point Man of the Year_ ," Arthur asked others.

"I can't wait," Ariadne had said over the phone! "I bet they'll do some kind of video montage of all your best point man moments!"

"I'm not paranoid enough to believe that I'm under constant video surveillance, but damn it they're making me question the logic of this entire enterprise!"

"But that's what makes you the best point man, Arthur," Dom reminded him when he came to visit. "I'm bringing the kids along to see their Uncle Arthur win such a big award!"

"You'll let them come along to see me get murdered in front of some kind of audience? You're making me question your parenting, Cobb! Again!" But Cobb only fondly sighed and said _see, its one of those things that makes you the best!_

"Yes I heard about it, Arthur, and I'm actually kind of upset," Yusuf said via Skype. "What about _Chemist of the Year_ , huh? What if I want to win some award that validates me in my chosen field of dreamshare?"

"I'm still betting that someone is out to get me."

"An award."

"They've placed a hit."

"No," Yusuf muttered, " _you're_ a hit. I've got important work to do, _Point Man of the Year_."

Arthur would have apologized but he was still too busy trying to explain that he was more likely to be offed than given accolades.

* * *

 

Saito volunteered the use of the airline he purchased during the Fischer job so Arthur and Eames, Cobb (who used his plus one for James), and Ariadne (who used her plus one for Phillipa), could fly out to the award show. Saito wasn't officially invited because he was only a client, and not involved in the business aspect of dreamshare, and Yusuf came along but moped to himself during the flight.

"It's like the Oscars of dreamshare. But instead of focusing on more than one facet of dreamshare, we're only going to give an award to one guy."

Arthur leaned over the armrest in his First Class seat and glared at Yusuf. "I'm still taking bets about who is trying to kill me."

Cobb covered James's ears and said, "My children may be little, but they repeat most everything they hear. So keep the k-i-l-l-i-n-g talk to a minimum."

Eames, who was sitting behind Arthur, looked in the back where Cobb was sitting and said, "I'm sorry, could repeat what you attempted to spell out so your children wouldn't understand? I may have gotten a few of the letters mixed up."

"Daddy spelled out _killing_ ," Phillipa informed Eames from where she sat near to Ariadne. "Like _die, die, die!"_ Phillipa said as she took one of her crayons and made repeated stabbing motions with it to demonstrate to Eames. And then she went back to her drawing.

"She's reminding me more and more of her mother," Arthur commented to Cobb. "I mean, she was lovely. But she was also a little stabby and sometimes shooty, and one time questioned if I knew what it was like to be a lover?"

"I got a recycled threat?" Ariadne asked. "Your subconscious representation of your wife recycled a line on me? Lame."

"My children are sitting with us in First Class so we're not talking about any of that!"

"Your children aren't paying attention to us," Yusuf said, still moping. "We're not interesting enough. Chemists aren't interesting enough!"

"I'm sleeping till this is over, if someone tries to kill me I'm letting all of you know that I told you so."

Arthur took a blanket, used an eye-mask, and proceeded to ignore everyone. If there was an attempt on Arthur's life he was sure that Eames would have the decency to kick the back of the seat to warn him.

* * *

 

Arthur wasn't killed on the ride to the event. He wasn't murdered when he reached the place the award show was being held. It was a nice hotel and Arthur was shocked-  _shocked_ \- to see the number of men and women from dreamshare who had come to see him receive his award.

Or to see him be poisoned with the fish, he was still betting that he might not survive the second course.

Dressed in Eames's favorite suit, Arthur had to quell the bout of nervousness that started in the pit of his stomach when he saw the number of people seated. Once seated together at Arthur's table, the forger casually, but pointedly grasped one of Arthur's hands in his own to press a kiss against the back.

"Is it finally setting in? We're all here to honor you, love! And I promise, I'll test your food before its served. I'll walk up to the stage with you and push you out of the way of bullets. I'll be your moral support and offer you a handkerchief if you get teary during your acceptance speech."

"Speech?" Arthur very softly cursed, then reached for the glass of water nearest to him. Eames stopped him, took the glass and took a drink from it before Arthur did. After a minute he pronounced that it was safe.

"You're humoring me. When did you get this nice?"

"In between mocking you for mispronouncing Yusuf's name once and that one time I gave you a hug when the Grumpy Cat memes didn't make you feel better after that one job? I'd do all sorts of silly things to make you feel less nervous right now."

"You'll walk with me up to the stage?"

"Yes."

"When you have to carry me away from danger, you'll do everything but hum _I Will Always Love You_ by Whitney Houston?"

"I could sing it!"

"I'd prefer it if you didn't, but I appreciate the thought."

* * *

 

And like he promised, Eames walked Arthur to the stage when he was called to receive his _Point Man of the Year_ award.

Together they took the stairs and passed the runner up who received a plaque and a tote bag.

"You deserve this," the runner up said, some point man Arthur had only heard of, but for Arthur to even hear of someone they'd have to at least be passable. They paused so Arthur could offer him a handshake, but Arthur was pulled into a hug instead. He awkwardly patted the young point man on the back and said, "Maybe next year you'll get it. Unless this really is a ruse to kill me."

Arthur made it to the stage with Eames at his side. The announcer had proudly handed Arthur his award; an actual statuette of a point man like figure armed with a weapon but also knowledge as it was depicted holding a laptop case in one hand and a handgun in the other! Arthur hadn't even been holding it for more than a few seconds when he began to smile.

He moved to the microphone that had been set up center stage, Eames not far behind, but clearly giving him space.

"I-" Arthur said into the microphone, "I just don't know what to say aside from 'I really hope this doesn't explode in my hand'," Arthur said holding up his statuette. The audience laughed appreciatively at what some probably thought was a joke, but anyone who was close to Arthur and actually listened to his many many worries would get that he was telling the truth. "To quote what Sally Field really said during her 1984 Oscar acceptance speech, 'I haven't had an orthodox career, and I've wanted more than anything to have your respect. The first time I didn't feel it, but this time I feel it, and I can't deny the fact that you like me, right now, you like me!'" Arthur had to clear his throat, getting a little teary, just like Eames fucking predicted. 

He glanced over at Eames, who refused to stand so close and steal Arthur's moment, even if he looked amazing in that tux. Eames winked at him and patted the handkerchief that was at the ready in his pocket.

"I know you've liked me," Arthur said to Eames. "None of this bullshit about starting to be nice to me between the time I screwed up Yusuf's name-"

"Oooh," a slightly drunk Yusuf called from the audience, "got it right this time, did you! The next award should be for _Chemist of the Year!"_

"- and the time Grumpy Cat memes wouldn't make me feel better. I may be a good point man, and I may have won this award tonight, but don't think I don't know that you were the one to tell Cobb that I was the best point man. So you knew it before anyone ever voted for me!" Arthur turned back to the audience and raised his award, saying, "Thank you for your consideration, I'm honored."

There was applause as confetti and glitter rained from the ceiling over the stage, and Eames pulled Arthur into a hug while it was falling in their hair and getting on their clothes. He was pressing kisses against the best point man's dimples as a song began to play.

Arthur started laughing as "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito from  _The Karate Kid_ was put on full volume as he and Eames walked off the stage, _Point Man of the Year_ statuette in hand.

_You're the best! Around! Nothing's gonna ever keep you down._


End file.
